The Realm of the Pachyderm

I LOVE KITTEHZ.

Anyway, as my friend Richard pointed out, I've been extraordinarily absent from the Blogosphere as of late. This is due to heart-stoppingly large amounts of homework. I know, I know, what else is new? Surprisingly little, to be honest.

That being said, I'd like to pose a question that has been vexing me for some time.

Does anyone remember the One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater? I know the illustrations of him usually indicate that his body is purple, but the hyphen placement changes the whole meaning...

One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple-People Eater?

OR

One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People-Eater?

Which is it? Seriously, is there a planet of purple people out there that this monster savagely eats on a regular basis? If so, why this planet? Are they tiny people? Can he pop them like french fries? Do they taste better than normal people? If so, what can we do as a race of people to taste better, thus reestablishing our superiority over these mysterious purple people?

Any and all input on the subject would set my mind at ease.

Now, before I go, I feel as if I should leave you with something else...hang out, it's coming to me...

Oh! Got it! This kid can't be older than six or seven, but he's the hottest tectonic dancer I've seen since I discovered tectonic dancing like a month ago.

1. Nearly Headless Nick keeps following me around. He's becoming a real pain in the neck--GET IT!? PAIN IN THE NECK! LAUGH NOW OR I WON'T KILL VOLDEMORT AND EVERYONE WILL DIE!

2. Malfoy made fun of me again today. I'm jealous of the fact that he has such shiny blond hair. And parents.

3. Ron is pretty dumb. Sometimes I just want to tell him to eat slugs--GET IT!? EAT SLUGS! IT'S LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN OUR SECOND YEAR! LAUGH NOW OR I WON'T KILL VOLDEMORT AND EVERYONE WILL DIE!

4. I caught Cho kissing Cedric today. Now I know who the real Hogwarts Express is--and it's no scarlet steam engine on top of Platform 9 3/4.

5. Sometimes people make fun of my scar. This makes me go to the Room of Requirement to cry about my DEAD PARENTS--GOSH, THEY'RE SO DEAD! DOESN'T ANYONE KNOW THAT!?

6. In the past two years, both Sirius and Dumbledore died. That's two more for my ever increasing list of DEAD PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME CRY AT NIGHT AND JUSTIFY MY NEED TO IMPETUOUSLY FIND DANGER, THUS THREATENING MY LIFE EVEN THOUGH I'M THE CHOSEN ONE! PITY ME NOW OR I WON'T KILL VOLDEMORT AND EVERYONE WILL DIE!

7. Today, I beat a dragon in one-on-one combat. Too bad I can't beat my own self-pity enough to get Cho to go out with me.

8. I'm so emo, I'm going to cut my wrists so I can have scars to match the ones on my head--THE ONE MADE BY VOLDEMORT THE NIGHT HE KILLED MY PARENTS!

9. Dudley punched me in the face today. It made me want to punch Voldemort in the face--WHICH I WON'T DO UNLESS PEOPLE START TREATING ME LIKE THE HERO I AM! I'M SO SELF-SACRIFICING!

10. Writing in Tom Riddle's diary is like getting your soul sucked out through your mouth. Oh, wait, that's a dementor attack. So many tragic things happen to me that I can't separate one horrifying experience from the next. TELL ME HOW COOL I AM NOW OR I WON'T KILL VOLDEMORT AND EVERYONE WILL DIE!

1. Brb, Dad's busting out the drums of war.

2. Told John today that we only have corn, not gold. The expression on his face when he found out I could speak English? Priceless.

3. Talking to a tree about my problems AGAIN. BBL.

4. Does anybody else wonder why John has an American accent when America hasn't been invented yet LOL

5. Still wondering if I should marry Kocoum. Still wondering if I should spend so much time making important life decisions based on advice given to me by rivers.

6. Tried painting with all the colors of the wind today. Got paint in my eyes and screamed like a banshee.

7. Totally stole the Medicine Man's bag--PARTAY IN MY WIGWAM TONIGHT!

8. If Meeko tries to awkwardly hook me up with John again, I'm skinning him and trading him in for a compass.

9. John Smith is sooo hot--too bad he's trying to exterminate my people.

10. Saved John's life today. Too bad my Dad followed through with his tomahawk swing. Ow.