The News In Print
August 20, 2009
True Story:

I'm delivering my newspapers today. It's been going as well as could be expected, considering the heat usually only found in the Serengeti that decided to settle over Crofton today. At one point, I have to leave the car and toss one of the papers up to the steps to the door--

TANGENT: I hate people that live in elevated houses! Do you really need 7000 stairs leading up to your door!? Does it give you psychological satisfaction knowing that anyone who wants to visit you needs to be packing oxygen and a three day supply of freeze-dried food just to knock on your door!? JERKS!

Anyway--

I approach this lofty house when I notice some movement by one of the cars parked in from of said palace. Looking over, I see more furtive movement. Feeling rather nervous, as people who creep about in broad daylight tend to make me feel, I speed up my walking ever so slightly, hoping the creeper would leave me be. However, no sooner had I looked forward again than more movement caught my eye. Determined to see my potential attacker, I look all the way to my left and behold--

An 11 year old boy wearing a gorilla mask.

Obviously, I didn't ask the boy how old he was. Approaching him in any way would have been viciously creepy on my part. He did, however, seem to be around 11. Anyway, he continues to creep around the car, watching me through the eyes of his apish guise. Rather than feeling comforted about knowing what I was up against, my anxiety increases as I begin to imagine what a child in a gorilla mask might do to an innocent newspaper carrier in the middle of the day. Feeling it would be best to throw the darn paper and run away, I do just that--only slightly more subtly than running. I may have ended up walking feverishly rather than sprinting like I wanted to.

Fortunately, the boy couldn't sense my terror, so he tears the mask from his 11 year old face and bounds up the stairs into his house. Needless to say, the unexpected nature of the event still has me trembling as I'm writing this.

SO, one week before I return to Yew-Taw. I suppose because I can't really think of anything else to say right now, I'll highlight some of my accomplishments this summer, shall I?
  1. I reread the entire Harry Potter series in a little under a month. I would have gone through them much faster, but employment slowed me down a tidge.
  2. Oh yeah, I got a job for the last three weeks of the summer.
  3. Earlier this summer, I secured employment with a company doomed to failure. That was cute.
  4. I produced a number of creative writing pieces that have been posted and reviewed. I've also earned a reputation on the site where I post as an extremely pretentious, yet extremely competent editor.
  5. I've taken steps toward starting an additional minor in Editing. This will make me an English major with a double minor in Theatre Arts and Editing. Mmm, I love me some right-brained goodness.
  6. I've returned to my golden brown goodness that had been unceremoniously seized from me by that heinous desert in which I attend school.
  7. I've purchased a number of worthwhile items, such as a bubble umbrella and Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. I'm so cool.
Other than that, summer's been a whole lot of chill. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my nephews, which is always good. The majority of my old high school friends have now opted to participate in a more scintillating social network through a series of illegally obtained bottles rather than hang out with me, but it's all good. At least I don't have a slew of drunk pictures strewn across Facebook, right?

Right. I'm great.

Alright, that's about it. I mostly just wanted to tell the gorilla mask story before I forgot about it.

Happy Weekend!
posted by Gwennifer at 11:55 PM | 1 comments

I JUST HAD A CRAZY NIGHTMARE
August 14, 2009
Well, it wasn't entirely a nightmare, persay. There were some cool things going on at the same time.

It started out with a couple of friends and I perusing the Arundel Mills mall. Somehow, we got separated and it was imperative that I find them again, so I spent a panicky two hours pummeling my cell phone trying to find them. I only succeeded when they finally reappeared and said that their phones had died.

Ok, that wasn't nightmarish, but the dream continues. It took an upturn when, somehow, I encountered Meryl Streep in the mall. Feeling rather elated, I took the opportunity to tell her what an incredible actress I thought she was. Somehow, this translated into her meeting my mom and becoming best friends with her. Just as I thought the bragging rights threshold had been reached, I discovered the next day that at some point, Meryl had figured out where we lived and come over to do dishes. I remember thinking to myself at this point, "All my friends are going to be so jealous when they find out I was doing dishes with Meryl Streep!"

Now, here's where the nightmare comes in. Quite unrelated from Meryl, my house had somehow been magically transported to the Australian countryside. While this would ordinarily totally make my day, I found out rather unpleasantly that our new locale included a neighbor in the form of a 20 foot grizzly bear with the head of a crocodile. Not only a 20 feet grizzly bear with the head of a crocodile, but one that routinely pretended to be dead so that people would get all close to examine it so that with one snap of its horrible jaws, it could snap a man cleanly, yet bloodily in two! As you can imagine, keeping a lookout for this thing was terrifying because on top of its hugeness, it was also super stealthy.

Fortunately for all, Meryl Streep did not fall victim to this hideous creature's rampage.

Anyway, I go back to Utah in exactly two weeks. Crazy how the summer flies, huh? School is going to be super busy from now on. I'm adding the Editing minor to my English major and prospective Theatre Arts minor. It's going to be a party in the library from now on.

That aside, I've been delivering newspapers as my temporary work for the past week or so. It's really steady work and the pay is a steal compared to the rather little work I do in exchange. Why I didn't think of this before the disaster that was F.Y.E., I'll never know.

Ok, I should probably--oh, heck, I'm not going to pretend. I'm going off to read Harry Potter. Happy weekend!
posted by Gwennifer at 10:20 AM | 1 comments

The Beach, African Math, and the TV-Kart [Lettuce Knives, Anyone?]
August 5, 2009
With a title like that, how can anyone stay away from my blog?

First things first. The beach was mucho amounts of fun regardless of conjunctivitis and my hatred of sand. I got to work on my tan, which is always excellent [mind you, I did have a couple of lobster impersonation days before the tan arrived]. There was plenty of junk food to be had, most notably Fractured Prune donuts. The boys had a stellar time in our sweet action digs, which was nice and cozy for the five of us.

Reason #545987 I'm going to be a horrible mother: I took all of four pictures. All of which were of me modeling the sunburn on my face. People will not believe I have children due to the lack of pictures of my future mommying blog.

So, that was the beach. Regardless of what those snobby West Coasters think, the Atlantic ocean is wonderful, thank you very much. They can keep their fishy Pacific [who wants to share an ocean with Asia, anyway?].

I'd now like to move on the "Observations I've Made In The Past Couple Of Days" segment of our program!

The term "African math" may sound a tad racist, but do give me an opportunity to explain. Last night, my mother and I felt the need to fill ourselves with some Papacy Affirmative--more commonly known as "Pope Yes". Ok, I'd better just explain this. When I was a smallish child, I always thought the sign said "Pope Yes" rather than "Popeye's". In fact, I couldn't figure out how people even got one word out of that.

Hence, Papacy Affirmative. Yes, I'm very clever.

Anyway, so we were in the mood for some fried chicken. We went to the drive-thru [haha, thru], placed our order with a very timid sounding voice coming from the inside of the store, and proceeded to the window. Upon receiving our box of chicken, I thought it felt a little hefty, so I opened the lid to see how much poultry we were talking about. I kid you not, there were at least 9,000 pieces of chicken in this box. That, on top of the fact that our bill was like $6 over what it should have been, led my mother to ask what had happened during the transaction.

Apparently, the timid voice thought we had asked for 16 pieces, bringing the total to $21.something when really we'd only wanted 15 pieces for $13.99 [don't hate, we love our late night chicken!]. In order to issue the refund, the timid voice needed to subtract $14.something from $21.something.

If you're wondering how African math comes into this, let me explain. The timid voice came from a very kindly African gentleman who was clearly struggling slightly with not only the language, but the currency of the United States.

Timid Voice: "So, your refund comes to...$3.27."

Mom: "Um, no, that's not right. It should be $6.36."

Timid Voice: "Oh, ok...give me just a second."

::A second::

Timid Voice: "So, your refund will be $6.56."

Mom: "No, it should only be $6.36."

She then proceeded to show him the math. Believe me, I'm not mocking the man, I just thought it was a fascinating way to spend 15 minutes at a drive-thru window at midnight on a Tuesday night. I'm so glad I grew up in the US so that I don't have to figure out weirdness like our language and money.

Alright, let's jump ahead to around one this afternoon. My sister needed to go to K-mart to pick up a couple of things, so my mom and I volunteered to watch the kids while she shopped. Upon entering the store, the kids immediately spotted these contraptions:

If you've been to the local K-mart recently, I'm sure you'll know all about the TV-Karts. This device has a control panel back where Mom has control to turn tv shows on for her children in the car below. While this burdens my soul to think that children can't go one shopping trip without television, I suppose it makes sense--

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THESE THINGS ARE SIZE OF A STATION WAGON. Could the manufacturer have invented a more unwieldy clunky device? Probably not. Let me tell you, pushing one of these bad boys around the K was maybe one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I may have crushed a child or two without even realizing it, such was the girth of this monster.

However, the consolation prize for heaving Titanic on Wheels around was my discovery of:

YES, Ladies and Gentlemen, that's right! The Lettuce Knife! Just when you thought one knife shouldn't be hampered with more than one task, lo and behold! A knife is invented for the express purpose of cutting lettuce! It's a fine day in age for lettuce lovers, folks!

And, on that note, I really should depart. I've officially landed temporary work for the rest of the summer after my disastrous accidental resignation from F.Y.E., so be happy for me!

Happy Wednesday!
posted by Gwennifer at 12:49 PM | 4 comments